My Greatest Struggle

This past Sunday we talked about how Jacob struggled with God (Sermon Link) .  Jacob and I are kindred spirits in many ways, I think.  Over the course of many years, I have had a number of personal and spiritual struggles myself – as I am sure most of you have as well.  These struggles have ranged from extreme selfishness to excessive materialism to uncontrolled anger – all of which are sins in their own right.  However, most of these struggles were not so much about those specific sins, but rather have been the result of even greater unrepentant sin in my life that persisted over a course of years – even decades.  Often I would plead with God about these sins and would wonder why I could never overcome them, but all the while, I was blind – or was turning a blind eye – to the greater sin.  Of course I realize that sin is sin and that ultimately there is no one sin that is greater than any other sin.  However, the persistent sin in my life was indeed greater - not because it was somehow worse in God’s eyes, but because it was the sin of rebellion concerning God’s call on my life.  The other sins were struggles that I truly desired to be rid of from my life, but this was one I intentionally held on to for myself – God could not have it. 

Growing up, I was eager for all things God and was very zealous for spiritual things.  But even in that zeal, there were seeds of fear and greed in my heart.  Therefore, when God called me into ministry in my Jr/Sr years of high school, I made a conscious choice – out of a combination of both fear and greed – to say no.  I chose instead to go to college to become an engineer and make “good” money.  That disobedience changed me.  People who knew me in the early-mid 80s would not recognize the person that I became in the 90s.

Much like how Jacob wrestled with God because he wanted to have God on his own terms, I wanted to have God on my own terms – being obedient in some things, while ignoring his overall purpose for my life.  Jacob’s “fight” with God ended when God touched his thigh.   My fight with God ended when it became clear that my disobedience would not just cost me all of these other struggles, but would cost me my very marriage. Indeed, if God had not touched my thigh at that time (so to speak), Patty and I would not be married today.

Since that time, God has done an amazing work in my life.  With rare setbacks, I think God has dealt with my selfishness.  Certainly he has dealt with my materialistic desires.  He certainly has dealt with my uncontrolled anger.  People who only knew me in the 90s would not recognize the person that I have become through God’s grace and mercy – and people who did not know me in the 90s simply can’t fathom the change that God has made in my life.  There have been some interesting conversations that have included a combination of old and new friends!  

God has certainly dealt with almost all of those struggles in my life and has given me the victory over them – almost being the key word.  Obviously, we are never sin free, so I still have occasional setbacks.  However, there is still one big struggle that I have not yet conquered.  WARNING: If you don’t think it is advisable for a pastor to reveal his spiritual weaknesses and openly confess sin, then I recommend you stop reading here.   I realize that in times past it may have been a no-no in American Christian Culture for a pastor to admit his weaknesses.  Pastors are to be held in high esteem and should be above such failings.  So why do I tell you this? I tell you this because I don’t want to be a hypocrite; I would be no better than a Pharisee if I was not openly repentant and admit this freely and publicly.  Therefore, while I know and realize a pastor is supposed to have it all together, I know a greater truth is at work here - that there is freedom in confession.  I do not do this to make a show or to whine or to bring attention upon myself.  I do this because I know with all my heart that many of you who will read this are also struggling with sin in your life.  You feel alone.  You are afraid to talk about it.  And so maybe, just maybe, by speaking truth regarding the sin in my own life, you can be encouraged to stay faithful and keep fighting on. (whew – that was difficult – the problem is that the next is even more difficult).

There are always long-lasting consequences to long-standing sin.  My previously mentioned disobedience resulted in both financial and relational consequences.   I destroyed a number of relationships at work and in other places.  While I have attempted to make amends, some of those people will never see me as anything other than who I was then.   I am not surprised these consequences persist, even though the source of the problem has essentially been dealt with.  In Christ there is forgiveness of sin, but the consequences can last a lifetime.

Unfortunately, one of those long-lasting consequences is physical in nature and that is how I introduce my greatest struggle.  One of the sins that manifested itself in my life during that time was the sin of gluttony.  Since I was so unhappy, I often used food as a source of comfort – and my weight spiraled out of control as a result.

Gluttony is as much a sin as lying, cheating, or even murder; but in Christian circles it is often the unspoken and acceptable sin.  I have long since accepted that such a mentality is wrong and I dealt with that in my life and even wrote about it in this blog post (The Acceptable Sin).

Unfortunately, 38 months later I have made no headway on this struggle in my life.  In fact, I may be worse off now than I was even then.  This struggle is one for which I have simply been unable to achieve victory.  I certainly know how to fix it (as indicated in the blog), but the problem has been in the execution.  I have given this over to God so many times that it seems almost disingenuous now.  However, I can’t allow that to stop me from trying again and again.  I have genuinely repented of this sin more times than I can even count.

As a Pastor, I am supposed to know the answers to problems like this.  In fact, I actually do know the answer.  Live by the spirit (Romans 8), not by the flesh (Romans 7).  It is as simple as “surrender to God” – stop fighting with him and let him touch your thigh… Except that I am not fighting God on this.  I agree with him.  My struggle is not with God, but with my own flesh.

This is where the ocean of God’s grace is at its deepest.  I am still a man.  I am still a sinner.  God is not done with me.  His grace is sufficient – not only to forgive me again and again, but also to carry me through my own struggle.  God’s forgiveness for His redeemed is unlimited.  I know that greater is he that is in me than he that is in the world.   I know that victory is available through the power of the Holy Spirit.  I know that I can move from a Romans 7 paradigm to a Romans 8 paradigm (if you don’t know what that means, go read the two chapters all in one setting).  And most importantly, I know that eventually I will see victory over even this struggle in my life.

Yes, I am weak, but I also know that Jesus has said “my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Cor 12:9).  For this reason, I resolve that I am fully dependent upon God: dependent upon him for forgiveness, dependent upon him to use me for his purposes even in the midst of my flaws, and dependent upon him for the ultimate victory.   Paul was given such a weakness and he prayed three times for it to be removed.  I have prayed many, many times more.  Still, the struggle remains.  However, unlike in times past where I simply chose to ignore the reasons why I could not overcome my previous struggles, I have yet to determine the cause for this one.  Perhaps, like Paul, it is to keep me humble.  Honestly, I don’t know – so long as it is not something I am wrestling WITH God about.  So even now as I write this, I am recommitting myself (again) to the idea of dealing with “passive gluttony” that I discussed in that blog post.

My point is this:  no matter what it is that you are struggling with, please know that you are not alone.  God still loves you more than you could ever imagine.  God’s grace is more than sufficient to cover over whatever struggle you may have.  And victory is within reach – even if it doesn’t seem that way right now.

You have been encouraged this week through the sermon to truly encounter God as Jacob did and so overcome the struggles in your life.  You need to know I am right there with you.  I want you to put your faith in Jesus that he can help you overcome every struggle in your life as I do myself every day.  I believe he can even as I still struggle in my own life. 

Besides, wouldn’t you rather have a pastor who knows that he needs to be fully dependent upon God?  It is that dependence that will keep us all on the straight and narrow.